Monday, February 09, 2009

A Could-Have-Been Elocution Piece

Feels so good to be here. Ladies...and the rest of you, surely it's a golden opportunity to speak in the golden edition of Saarang in the golden jubilee year of IIT Madras to win some golden prize money. Surely, it's a quick ticket to fame and name. But is that why I am here? No. No, no no, no no no.

Let's say you're a single guy and you decide to start doing something about it. And then you have an auditorium full of young and gorgeous ladies who make you feel,"Yes, yes!". On that desperate note, I was wondering what the audience is supposed to do when something like this is being presented on stage. Eureka! We have the solution. All you gotta do is take out today's newsletter and start reading it. Or better yet, take out your cellphones and start playing snake. Or better yet, start conversation with the Mary Jane sitting beside you and get yourself a partner for the Dance Workshop. The amount of pleasure and happiness you get by these activities will add to the speech great value. And if you just chill and close your eyes like this, you'll find out that as soon as you're not interested in what I'm saying, your subconsciousness will automatically fade my voice gently out of your senses. Time will fly by for you as you are left to take a sweet nap in an air-conditioned and fully furnished auditorium.

So, are all of us ready? No matter what you say or do, I'll take that as yes. Ladies and the rest of you, I begin my speech entitled - The Complete Dumbass' Guide to Making a Fool of Yourself in Front of Everyone. And I'm quite serious about it. Generally people who keep going on and on like this go on until some one, some man of action, pulls the plug. Luckily for me, I have no plug. I run on solar powered battery, dude! Since time immemorial, I have never stopped and will continue with my nonsensical endeavours for ever and ever. When I played footer during my freshie year in my hostel quadrangle, I didn't score a goal in the entire year. But I didn't give up and by the end of the second year, I scored a goal. An own goal. My first own goal.

So my speech's chapter 1 says - Go get a ticket to have some grass. As in green grass, take a ticket to a green park where you can think of ideas to accomplish this herculean task.
Chapter 2 says - Go get a ticket to Saarang.
Chapter 3 says - Go get a ticket to the stage of Elocution. Don't let them look at all of you. Hide behind a podium and show them just enough to kick-start the fantasy. I know it's tough, but don't you ever yield to the lure of the cordless mic that has kissed so many ladies and is still wet.
Chapter 4 says - Go get a ticket to read from a page.
Chapter 5, the final chapter, says - Ensure that there are no eggs and tomatoes in the auditorium. And that there are only and only bathroom slippers to be used by the audience to react.

I take immense pleasure in announcing that this speech is the revised edition of an earlier one and hence, as with every revised textbook of engineering, there is a supplementary, rather complementary chapter, which goes like this - Forrest's mom says life is like a box of fingers. You never know what you are gonna get. So if you want to make a fool of yourself, just do it. Do it before God's fingers play the dice.

And that brings us to the end of my speech. Within 2-3 days, Saarang will be over and none of you will remember this historic speech. But make sure you always remember the guy who delivered it, cuz someone inside you is saying that this guy has a sense of humour, and is romantic. Although nobody had a clue about it until today.

Thank you.

1 comment:

vedang said...

Now that would have made for an excellent and entertaining speech! :D
very well written!