रैगिंग

सीनियर बोला पुट इन्ट्रो
मैं बोला क्लास है, प्लीज़ छोड़ दो
"तेरे बाप का नौकर हूँ क्या
इन्ट्रो डाल फिर क्लास जा"
नाम काम एक साँस में बताया
उसने कहा "क्या ये सब सुनने को मैं आया?"

"बता तेरी फ़्रीक्वेन्सी क्या है
तेरे सपने की कौन अप्सरा है"
मैं धीमे से बोला "प्रियंका चोपड़ा"
उसने मेरे दोस्त का फाड़ दिया कपड़ा
"ये रही तेरी प्रियंका
इससे प्यार करके दिखा"

मैंने कहा मुझे पेन हुआ
डीन के डर से टौपिक चेंज हुआ
"अपनी गर्लफ़्रेन्ड की स्टोरी बता
या पाँच इनोवेटिव गालियाँ सुना"
मैंने थोड़ा टाईम क्या मांगा
रात के दो बजे तक जागा

सारे जल्लाद बारी-बारी
बुरी तरह लेते रहे हमारी
कहा नॉन-वेज कविता लिख फन्डू
तभी से मेरा नाम है लड्डू
हमने उस दिन क़सम खायी
ऐसी रैगिंग लेंगे भाई
जब भी कोई फ्रेशी ताप्ती आएगा
सब कहेंगे "भाग बेटा लड्डू आ जाएगा!"

`Right Person Wrong Place`

He wanted an undergraduate degree
And decided to pursue it from IIT
But he heard tales of yore
Filled with hardships galore
Of people struggling to beat the monster JEE

Dogged determination he had
So he sought a launchpad
Asked he a winning gladiator
The weapons needed to counter
"Mugging need not be a fad!"

"My date with books was short
Mostly I used to play and fart"
The novice was so confused
The advice he refused;
Needed he some other dart.

Dived he into the pool of coaching
His father's bonds kept breaking
Blindly he followed the gurus-
'Hardwork's the golden goose'
Got the way, strong 'as he going.

No gals, no TV, no WWE
No comics, no cricket did he see;
Tore he his babe magazines
Left watching even the cyber scenes;
Finally hoisted his flag on JEE.

After two years of complete sequester
He was thrown headlong into Schrodinger
Even as the electron went round
The waves were quite profound
And group study seemed to be the only answer.

It worked well in the quizzes
Easy appeared the ridges
But the horrow show was scheduled
Just before the finish line, dude!
'Practise singles, no fours, no sixes!'

So he took known topics
Mugged them to the full of his stockings;
One day his mother called
Then dear a googly was bowled;
Ran he into mom's laplings.

Forgot he Prof's lectures
Clicked only family pictures
By the time he woke
The sweet dreams broke;
Disaster, he got a curse!

In facing the dread inquisition
He could not defend his position
So it shouldn't surprise
When he was apprised
Of the Dean's decision.

The ground shook
The chap couldn't brook
His dream world 'as adverse
Indeed it'as a worthless fuss
Why a beloved is at once a crook?!

The campus-no longer a paradise
He was hiding from staring eyes
Went to Dean, GCU, Fac Advisors-
'Sorry we don't deal with failures!'
For him the sun wasn't gonna rise.

आईआईटियन लाल

ये हैं मिस्टर आईआईटियन लाल
लाइफ में इनके नो आराम
आठ बजे क्लास को जाना है
७:४० का अलार्म लगाना है
रूममेट ने अलार्म को ऑफ़ किया
८:०५ पे होस्टल से प्रस्थान किया

प्रौफ का लेक्चर चालू है
चुपके से घुसता लालू है
बच्चू ये आईडी११० है
प्रौफ खतरनाक मिलिटैंट है
सुबह-सुबह नींद हराम की
ना अटेंडेंस मिली, इन्सल्ट भी हुई

फिर भी न छोड़ी उम्मीद की डोरी
नेक्स्ट क्लास सुनने बैठे प्रौफ की लोरी
डीप स्लीप स्वीट ड्रीम्स गुड नाईट
स्लीपिंग औन द डेस्क इज़ बर्थ-राईट
आँख खुली तो झटका लगा
क्लास तो खाली है, अब जाकर जगा

लंच टाईम पे मेस आया
सांभर रसम को देख रोना आया
आइस क्रीम लेकर गुरू को भागा
वहाँ जर्मन हसीना पे दिल लागा
वर्कशौप है याद आया
फिटिंग में पूरा ज़ोर लगाया
पिस-पिस के पीट-पीट के फाईलिंग की
चिज़लिंग से पहले ४ फेस-कटिंग की
फिर भी क्यूब का शेप न आया

मुथु ने कप्पा लगाया
शाम में घंटो फार्ट मारी
डिनर के बाद कॉम्प-रूम में जनता सारी
१० बजे रात को कौन हुआ पागल
फूटर जनता कम टू क्वाड्रैंगल
बारह बजे तक मैच हुआ
फिर लैन पे काउंटर-स्ट्राइक कैच हुआ
नो मगिंग लेट स्लीपिंग
तभी तो लालू की सीजी सकिंग

तो ये थे मिस्टर आईआईटियन लाल
लाइफ में इनके नो आराम

Poem...

Human I am, so very, indeed,
I've limited unlimited needs;
Have a mouth with paired lips
And yet not so often it speaks.

Emotions born and die within,
So much of me lurks unseen;
A few sparks are meant to live,
'Let'em come to light' - I believe.

All motivated I get hold of my pen,
Rejuvenates each nerve and vein;
Winds of emotions sway me free,
Notions in motion is all I can see.

Tea takes the shape of the cup,
Fate marks the way of a pup;
The cup is the scheme of rhyme,
And the fate is the poet's style.

Every word is a precious pearl,
Meticulously picked from whirl;
There's something that binds all,
The poem's rather the poet's soul.

Ends in peace what began with spasm,
The same as one you feel after orgasm;
Exhausted, content after the run,
Elated about what you've done.

Everytime my mind goes out of mind,
There's a mystery the poem unwinds;
I watch the man whispering inside,
I seek not where but why does he hide...

Death continued...

The last time when someone close to me died, I was unable to hold myself from being carried away with an outrageous river of emotions. Tears came like an old tube light flickering every minute but unable to provide continuity. I strived hard to console me with arguments of the spirit being indestructible and that dissolution of mere physical body doesn't take him away from me, but all went in vain. I persuaded myself that he was there with me all the time, watching me, speaking to me, ready to scold me but I couldn't hear him. And then it proved to be me making fool of myself, nothing else. For those of you who don't know, there is a process called kriya-yoga that frees yourself from all emotional imbalances but it's effect dies out after 24 hrs. Time is the most powerful healer of any wound, be it physical or spiritual ( I won't say mental). Gradually and steadily the wounds have stopped interfering with my sleep. But still there is something hollow in my heart that comes into play whenever I remember him.

Au contraire, this time when baba died, I didn't get so much of a shock. May be because last time I was totally unprepared and had to fulfill some dreams of my kin( even today I feel had he been there for 6 months more...) and this time I have fulfilled baba's dreams, talked to him about what he means for me and recited a verse on him; may be because baba's last words I remember were "God Bless You" spoken in deep content about his role as a grandpa. Ya, I agree that I had a faint idea that he is leaving me soon and I was a bit prepared for this but still... Alright, I accept there are enough reasons this time to be less restless but still... Still I have a point to make.

This time I am a lot clearer about the immortality of the soul and that Baba is going to be much happier with God than he was with us. I know that he got away with all his responsibilities and with no more aspirations and anxieties his soul shalt rise to the purest of the heavenly skies and shalt rest in peace. There has been a mutual understanding between me and Baba. He never told me anything related to his quest for the Divine Peace but I could always figure out looking at his eyes that he wanted me to at least ponder over why he was thirsty of the Divine wine. Though I could figure out all that only once I myself started pining for the ultimate peace. It was that struggle which opened my eyes and I realized the true significance of death. Now I'm no longer moved much by deaths in a grievous manner rather I take them as reminders to my promises and duties. I know I am getting a bit perverted but that's only to rekindle the inquisitiveness in you about God and more importantly, about yourself.

Death

Yesterday my Baba(grandpa) died; or shall I say that he expired or left us or went to the heavenly abode? Each one of us prefers to avert using the word 'death' explicitly, needless to say, the underlying reason being fear. We are so scared of experiencing death that we repel even thinking of it, don't even use a word connected to it explicitly; sounds cowardly but then who amongst us is brave enough to accept death? We proudly and publicly acknowledge that we don't want in the most dreadful of our dreams to die. The interesting part is that none of us knows what's going to happen once we die. We presume without pondering that death is the dead end of everything. Yes, literally death is the end of life but here it's worth specifying that death is the end of physical earthly life. Does that refer to the existence of some other form of life, or is death, in itself, another form of life? Mythology suggests that death is a doorway to heaven and hell, two different realms having dimensions different from those on earth and emphatically depicts that there is, indeed, a life after death. Does that life(the 2nd one) also have a death associated with it? It's all so confusing! Alright, I accept that there is a dearth of evidence but part of the answer may be obtained by analyzing the unexplained experiences of some people who have been in close proximity with death and almost died but somehow survived. Termed as NDEs or Near Death Experiences, these incidents shed some light on some of the dark and unexplored nooks of our concerns:

• Feelings of calmness - These feelings may include peacefulness, acceptance of death, emotional and physical comfort.
• Intense, pure bright light - Sometimes this intense (but not painful) light fills the room. In other cases, the subject sees a light that they feel represents either Heaven or God.
• Out-of-body experiences (OBE) - The subject feels that he has left his body. He can look down and see it, often describing the sight of doctors working on him. In some cases, the subject's "spirit" then flies out of the room, into the sky and sometimes into space.
• Entering into another realm or dimension - Depending on the subject's religious beliefs and the nature of the experience, he may perceive this realm as Heaven or, in rare cases, as Hell.
• Spirit beings - During the OBE, the subject encounters "beings of light," or other representations of spiritual entities. He may perceive these as deceased loved ones, angels, saints or God.
• The tunnel - Many NDE subjects find themselves in a tunnel with a light at its end. They may encounter spirit beings as they pass through the tunnel.
• Communication with spirits - Before the NDE ends, many subjects report some form of communication with a spirit being. This is often expressed a "strong male voice" telling them that it is not their time and to go back to their body. Some subjects report being told to choose between going into the light or returning to their earthly body. Others feel they have been compelled to return to their body by a voiceless command, possibly coming from God.
• Life review - This trait is also called "the panoramic life review." The subject sees his entire life in a flashback. These can be very detailed or very brief. The subject may also perceive some form of judgment by nearby spirit entities.

Scene 4: Finally...

Rahul & Anjali are on a dinner-date

Rahul: Macha I love you da. I know I'm slisha shy but my heart is hazzar despo to tell your heart how much he cares for her. And today I present to you a token of my love....

Rahul presents a ring to Anjali

Anjali: A ring?! Is it your family's traditional ring...looks like an old one, has your mom given you this ring for the girl you love.

Rahul: No it's even more special. When I was in 1st year, I made it myself in the workshop for someone who would be the most special in my life...and now I present it to you.

Anjali: I love you too.

Anjali wears the ring

Anjali: But what were you saying just now, I couldn't get more than half of what you said.

They go for stroll

Rahul: Actually, whenever I'm too emotional I unintentionally use IIT lingo, I just can't get rid of the IITian in me.

Anjali: Don't ever do that...I love the cute IITian in you who speaks a funny language, works like he has taken sanyas from the rest of the world, doesn't know how to propose a girl and still cares for me and loves me to the full of his heart.

Rahul watches Esha with a guy

Rahul: Hey who is that guy with Esha?

Anjali: Shut up and concentrate here.....

Rahul: No but last time she was with some other guy.....

Anjali: You idiot you'll always be hazzar despo about girls.

-------------------------CURTAIN FALLS------------------------------------------

Scene 3: Two Months Later

Rahul( to himself): It's been two months you've been silently admiring her. Go loser! She is right there, tell her what you feel for her.

Rahul: Hi, I'm Rahul Sharma. Your new colleague. And you're Esha right?!

Esha: Ya, I know you, you're an IITian. A guy with specks totally immersed into work, quite uninteresting type...huh

Rahul: Oh no...not again! Look, being an IITian is no heinous crime. Apart from that, I'm a man. I also have feelings.

Girl: Excuse me.

Rahul( to himself): IIT, IIT, IIT! This label is still standing in my way to girls.

Peon: Sir, ma'am is calling you.

Rahul: Which ma'am? Tell her that I'm from IIT. She won't need me anymore.

Peon: Sir, Anjali ma'am is calling you.

Rahul: Aaeelaa! OK I'm going, I'm going.

Anjali: Come in, Rahul. I've a good news for you. The board has approved your proposal. Guess what? You've been promoted. Now we are colleagues of the same rank and I'm supposed to assist you in your project.

Rahul(to himself): Wow! She has ne'er been so friendly to me. And today she is looking more gorgeous than ever. Now that she is no longer my boss, I can say that.

Rahul: Thanks for the good news! By the way you look scintillating today, ma'am.

Anjali: Don't call me ma'am now, I've a name that is not too difficult to pronounce.

Rahul: Alright Anjali, let's start with the project tomorrow.

Next Day

Anjali and Rahul working together and...

Aankhon ki gustakhiyan maaf hoooo......

Pehla pehla pyar hai......

Scene 2: 1st Day in Office

Two guys talking to each other.

" Look, look! A new bakra."

" Don't say like that I've heard he's an IITian."

" Really?! He doesn't look like one."

A girl and a man in conversation.

Girl: Is he the IITian who was supposed to join us today?

Man: Eh...what nonsense? Look at him, seems like a buffallo who has lost its way while grazing. Watch me now. Man goes to Rahul.

Man: Hi boss! How do you do?

Rahul: Sorry, have we met before?

Man: Yes, of course, don't you remember? By the way, are you an IITian?

Rahul: Yes, I'm. Why...?

Man: Are you sure?

Rahul: Of course I'm from IIT Madras, what kinda silly question is that?

Man: OK see ya, bye... IITian, huh!

Rahul, in toilet, peeing. There's a man beside him.

Man: Are you the guy from IIT?

Rahul: Yes, I'm the fool, why, do you have any problem?

Man: Oh no, not at all. Would you mind if I ask you how you prepared for JEE; my daughter is preparing for JEE.

Rahul: Is she beautiful?

Man: What...?

Rahul (finished peeing) : See, send her to IIT only if she is beautiful otherwise there is no point...we already have hazzar non-males there. At least someone has to think about the feelings of the males, I mean the male feeling of the males....I only know now after passing out from IIT that there is a species called female that is not extinct and everytime you look at it, you feel fresh, energetic, tensionfree, poetic..I don't know how to describe it!

Man: Are you nuts...what the hell are you saying...!?

Rahul: By the way I don't remember any book's title, nor do I remember my time-table; to be frank, I blindly followed my coaching gurus. Pardon me for all I said just now and send the girl to Kota.

Man (to himself): This guy is the height of insanity!

Scene 1: The Interview

Peon: Mr Rahul Sharma! Your turn.

Silence...

Peon: Mr Sharma, you are being called!

Peon: Mr Sharma!

Rahul's conscience: Abe dumbass ja Rahul Sharma tera hi naam hai, dumbass tera nick hai.

Rahul: May I come in, sir uhh... I mean ma'am?

Boss: Yes, plz have a seat.
So you're from IITM. A cgpa of 7.4 and Saarang coordship...that's all for your resume?!
OK, Mr Sharma, if you get to work in my company, how will you contribute to its profits?

Rahul: Given a chance, I shall be the most productive male in your company.

Boss: Productive in what sense?

Rahul: That sense.

Boss: What?!

Rahul: Dot dot dot, you know what.

Boss: What would you do if you win a 50 lacs lottery tomorrow?

Rahul: Uhh...I shall buy a Ford Fiesta,..move in to a lavish house,...date new
girls everyday,...get the latest electronic gadgets...

Boss: Congrats, it was simply to check if you would quit the job...you dint even wish for a holiday, well done!

Rahul's conscience: Aaeelaa! I was about to say that.

Boss: Sorry, did you say something?

Rahul: No..no..nothing,. Why, you heard something?

Boss: Alright your next question - Describe yourself in one word.

Rahul: Uhh...I'm a virgineer.

Boss: What...what did you say? What's that?

Rahul:

I'm a virgin, yet an engineer. I've not even touched any girl, any
machine's internals or a circuitboard. I'm a virgineer!!

Boss: If you were to ask me something, what would be that?

Rahul: Are you single?

Boss: Excuse me, yes, I'm, but what sort of a question is this? I expected
something professional from you.

Rahul's conscience: Yes, she is single!

Rahul: Well, it is professional. I wanted to know if women on top are committed.

Boss: Mr Sharma, you've got the job. You can join us tomorrow.